dreams.
I'm watching a DVD at home alone, in some amorphous future place (not my current home, but in the dream, it is where I live at that time). I tend (in real life) to watch indy films, and this time I'm watching some black actress, whose body is not perfect, is long limbed, big boned, with a bob haircut (pressed straight). She's an "up and coming" new launch, like the chick who wrote My Big Fat Greek Wedding - a single woman show writing, producing, and acting in her own new films.
In this one, she has Jeremy Piven in her movie, and she's the female lead. The two are having an affair, and she is married. I don't know if he is. In the scene, the camera pans from a room facing the master room, angles through the doorway of the facing room, focuses in on the opposite door, which is open. Immediately you see the bed, without anything but the fitted sheet and scattered, falling top sheets.
The angle shows the woman, in either very little (like boxer shorts or underwear, and a tank top or not a top at all, can't remember) arms bare, from the back. Her arms are a little meaty and also a little flabby (just a little). There are old scars on her right tricep area, scars or birthmarks, they're flat and faded, but darker than her normal dark, reddish brown skin color.
She is walking forward with her back to us, and the camera moves slightly above and behind her head to look down. You get the sensation of her moving from above (she is tall) down to the bed, and then the camera shifts as if it's later.
Piven is shown above her, they are both naked, or he is wearing a tank top but otherwise naked (can't remember). They are having missionary sex; he starts coming and suddenly vaults off of her, semen partially emptied inside her and still spurting from him as he hurriedly steps to the floor, grabs her, turns her upright, and gets on his back on the bed.
During these movements, as he is turning toward the door way, preparing to lay down on the bed, you see his penis close up, spurting once, then oozing semen heavily. It is uncircumsized, reddish, wet, glistening, not huge, not small.
They hear a noise (the husband coming home). The woman panics, whispering, "My husband's home, get out of here!"
Piven stubbornly refuses, forcing her by the hips onto his face.
"I'm not going anywhere," he says in his deep voice, mutinous and utterly determined to continue doing what he's doing.
The husband will be coming down the hall at any time and could hear them at any time, but Piven proceeds to eat her out from below and won't let her go.
While watching this, I get the distinct elated feeling that now I know he's willing to 1) expose himself so thoroughly for film and 2) have a sexual relationship with a black woman - although he's jewish and white. This is true of him as a character, but still, this is also a sign of what he's willing to do as an actor and a person.
The memories fade here but I feel as though the husband's footsteps were clearly audible on the wooden floor in the house, coming closer but not close enough to hear or see them. Piven still refuses to leave and it is so late now that all he can do is hide - and he's contemplating under the bed or in the closet when I wake up.
Gave birth to a baby boy, single mother.
Dunno who the father is, but I woke up in a dim hospital room (not an OR) where the nurses and such had left, but my dad was lingering. The birthing was not starting/going like it was supposed to; dad approaches to have a look and help (between the legs) and I say, NO! Go get the nurses! Off he hurries, and he returns, and they are a bit slower. As they enter the room, I am trying to push again and I can FEEL it, during the dream, and it's not so bad, it's like having your period or something. I'm sure in real life it's much worse.
They nurses cry, "It's halfway out!" They rush forward, complete the process, and then next thing I know i'm standing and walking around with the baby, who is fully dressed, and a beautiful boy. I stare up at a large mirror along the wall, which is tilted above, which is odd. It's long and rectangular. I look up at me and the baby and I say aloud, "I am a single mother. *I* am a single MOTHER." Totally can't believe it, but there I am. I think, I am going to be the best mom ever, I'm going to raise this kid right, oh my god, I'm a single mother ...
I take the baby over to this waist high flatbed for changing, and arrange all these pillows around so the baby won't roll off or anything, then proceed to change the diapers ... fade out to black.
Finally had something worth dreaming about. Finally a dream about Jamba Jack ... it was weird though. This was last night (Thursday, 11/20).
So this was the last dream of the night/morning. I had rolled around in my sleep and woken up during it but fell easily back into it. It's a shame, but I sleep with this t-shirt, rolled up to preserve his scent, which is fading. It was covered more initially with the scent of his (freshly applied) deodorant, but that was from 11/6. The scent is fading more into a bit of musk, that unique scent that is different for every person. It's 11/20 - 2 weeks. But hey, I still have it, and I'll sleep with it if I damned well choose to. Obsessive? Perhaps. But if he has a woman to go home to and my bed is empty I figure I'm frickin entitled to his damned tshirt.
Anyway. So in the dream, it's like our situation now. We have parted. I have expected to never ever see him again, and miss him terribly. Somehow, he comes back into my life, and I am totally impatient, with this NEED to make love to him before he disappears again for good. It's almost like we're replaying the last night we were together again - but this time things keep conspiring to keep us apart. In real life that Thursday night, despite my protestations and complications and his desire for me and my desire to take it slow (because I believed we had more time than just a few days), we kept coming together. He rode over 2 hours on a bus to come see me. I got out of work early somehow. We drove up to SF and though I feared we'd run out of things to say and talk about, we didn't. He stayed behind in my car and I feared he'd be mad and difficult and it'd be uncool - it wasn't. We drove back down and still had more things to talk about. We got to my place and I thought, watch it be all awkward. It wasn't. We got in the bed and despite my being a mess - we weren't.
So in the dream, it's the opposite. He's hard to read. It's like we're in something like a city, but on a suburbian edge, so there's like a mom and pop grocery store, kinda small, and a park across the street with paths and concrete, stairs and terraces. It's not lyrical or anything, just a very modern park that's designed very well and is very nice, nothing fantasy like. I don't know how he got back into my life but it's like there was a phone call somehow and we're going to meet at this restaurant place next door to the mom and pop grocery (the latter is on the corner of the block, and the park is across the street, taking up at least an entire block).
The sense is his or my friends or something like that may be on the scene. So we will be meeting with others around. We are then supposed to go off and get intimate. I am intent on meeting with him and happy to see him. We are at the diner, sitting at the counter on the stools, and we get some strange visitors - I can't explain it in retrospect well but it was Sean Connery and some lady. Sean Connery was dressed kinda gay and playing at gay so Jack and I were being very funny and relaxed about having Sean sit next to him and flirt with him, being his date, and the lady sat next to me. SHe was very blonde (almost white hair) but I can't remember who she was or whether we talked much, my eyes were on Jack flirting with Sean.
Then Jack's friends came along and it was getting darker - we'd gotten to the diner around sunset. Now it's like, 9 pm. or something. He's chatting it up with these people in the diner and I am ready to GO. I try to interrupt him to ask him about getting together (sex), and he looks terribly worried as if afraid to commit to that, as if he cannot or dont' know if he can, should, or even will, go further with me because he's in trouble, he's still with his girlfriend, he can't see me any more technically ... even though we're meeting again this time after having parted initially.
I want to be with him, alone. Figuring he'll follow when he's ready, I wander out bored, to the park. I walk through the hills and up the slopes - this is a narrow park, it spans a block but it's not like I was really going far. I'm actually pretty close.
I'm melancholy. Just impatient to be with him. Hoping he'll hurry up and that he still wants me and that he'll allow this to happen for us. I wander up some steps to like a bower/gazebo like space, looking down over the park and down at the diner, which is lit up. The mom and pop store is still open. It's cold (as I post this, it's winter, cool, and that's how it was in the dream). I'm bundled in a jacket, keeping warm and waiting. I see shapes come out of the diner, and I see him. But he's followed by a few guys. These guys are like kids, with skateboards, goofing off, loud, raucous. I realize they are not going to let us alone, and he's not sending them away.
They make their way up to me. He and I embrace, standing around, arm in arm, hugging. We kiss, and it's good. I'm hopeful. Then we all walk down back to the street. He and I walk together. We're at the mom and pop grocery and we all go in - I realize that my nose is stuffy and I really want to be able to smell and taste him in the next several hours. I ask the woman behind the counter if they have decongestant. She says, yeah, upstairs. I say, ok, but I don't wait, I walk away and follow the boys, who have gone out of the side door so I am left to catch up. Jack has gone with them.
They have gone around the corner and upstairs - a large abandoned apartment, all concrete, with balconies and very cold and unused. The first room we enter is all concrete, concrete floors, cracks, darkness, crates, with an open doorway. Wind blows in through large open windows in the next room, from a balcony, and the guys are goofing around out there in that room by the balcony and windows. Jack is nearing them and I go to him, for warmth, and I am determined to get away from them so we can be together. As we make our way into the room he turns to me and says, "My mother works very late you know. Very late into the night." The context is that he's telling me this because we CAN'T be together tonight but the words suggest we CAN. It's as if he wants to make sure he gets home in time so he's not caught. But there isn't going to be anyone at home.
We sit down on some crates and he's telling me about perfume - I think this was inspired by my sleeping with his shirt, which I was nuzzling/sniffing on in my sleep. He has some sort of bag with him and he pulls a perfume bottle out of it, mentions how he loves it when women wear perfume, they smell amazing. Unspoken, from me, is the question of whether that bottle is his girlfriend's. I say nothing. I know in the past he's told me how amazing *I* smell. He puts it away, sitting facing me on a crate a few feet away. I feel like I am trying to reach him, connect, but he's frightened to, keeps fighting it, yet never just ending it. He doesn't say, I can't do this, and leave. He doesn't say, I don't want you stop this, I'm done with you. He doesn't say, I'm going back to my girlfriend, or my house, or goodbye, or I'm going to hang out with my boys.
He stays, halfway between me and them, afraid to get caught with me but not willing to leave me either. He is hard to read - his worry re: his gf and family and friends is very clear, and yet his feelings toward me are not. The only sign I have is that he doesn't leave. In retrospect I wonder if it's my own desire for him that makes him feel guilty so he stays. Just like the guilt he feels for his gf/family that makes him want to go back to them. Tug of war. So my only assumption is he must love her and feel nothing for me, but guilt makes him stay. I don't know. This is in retrospect, trying to be real with myself. In the dream I was too fraught with fear of rejection and the desire to be with him before he DID leave ... I was convinced our time would end for real and that I had to be with him, especially physically, while I still had the chance. I was convinced he would choose her. Because he has in real life.
But I am distracted - I hear voices, and music, so I walk away and around the corner to a large, long room that has a whole wall of incomplete french doors, more concrete, and outside there are people who have set up a long sort of outdoor picnic dinner - even though it's really cool out. They have a nice set up, food, chairs, it's at least 20 people, laughing, talking, candle light, lamp light, heat lamps. People are standing, walking back and forth into an area of the apartment I cant' see. The place is still abandoned so it's like they got the idea to host this at some abandoned place for fun.
I walk out there and people are surprised but not surprised - I'm a new person, but, it IS an abandoned house and apparently a lot of people wander through. THey aren't really talking to me but people notice and are polite and smile or say hi as they pass to go somewhere or look over. I turn back after walking the length of the area to go back in, and pass two women giggling to each other and who bump into me. They stop, apologize, are nice, say hi. I smile back. I go into the apartment, through more space where more people are milling - apparently this is turning into a party.
The areas I walk into have more decoration - for the party or what, I don't know. The floor in the next room which is open and connected to the first area I entered the apartment from, and the kitchen where people are coming and going somewhere down a hallway, and the living room/patio area where the dinner party is going on. All sorta connected. The room I am in is tucked away but has no doors. If anyone walks in, which is easy, whoever's in there has no privacy. I'm in that room somehow when Jack finds me, and I turn to him.
Next thing I know we are on the floor, I'm on my back, legs spread wide and naked around him but I'm technically still clothed, it's like he's lifted up my skirt or something and beneath it I've got little shorts (over my underwear). Basically I'm not completely naked. Above that my jacket is open, and he's nuzzling, going for my neck, reaching up under my layers (shirts, scarves, etc) and very good at what he does. I am amazed. I had gotten to the point where I thought it wasn't going to happen, we weren't going to be intimate, he didn't want me.
We are on the wall closest to the first room we entered through, my back leaning against the wall, as I half lie/half sit, technically with my back against the wall where the boys we came with are goofing off on the other side. I face the wall that blocks us from the patio diners. To my left is open space and then a far wall, which leads to the kitchen. I know people are over there around a corner and can come see us but I don't care. We even hear the music and people talking but we don't stop.
Jack's jeans are undone around his ankles, his cock is out, his jacket and stuff still on (we are still a bit cold). The room is warm and dimly lit, yellow warm light, from the decorations. The carpet we're on is sort of 60s, paisley or something. Brown and yellow and gold. He develops an amazing rhythm. He isn't inside me, but he's working his cock against my sex from outside my little shorts, and I am very wet and hot and feel it and it's amazing. His mouth meets mine again and again and the rhythm is developed - he slides his entire (large, in real life) tongue into my mouth and I swallow him whole, breathe him in, gorge on him, while between my legs he alernates the rhythm of working up against me. I am totally grunting and groaning, even though out of the corner of my eye I see the two girls i bumped into earlier stop on their way from the kitchen to the patio, watching.
They are smiling and whispering, pleased at the scene, but not wanting to disturb it, stop it, or join it. I look over, groan and he looks over at them, too. I don't care, and he turns back to me and we go back at it. He eats me, my face, fills me with himself, breathes into me, his heat and life and everything just filling me and I am lying back being filled, loving it. I receive, and he just takes, and we'd go on forever, into the inevitable ... but apparently enough of a crowd gathers that he and I have to stop. We would have gotten on to the sex, and I am ready to, but I figure we should go somewhere more private. We stand up, put ourselves back together and Jack turns the corner to do this, leaving me to catch up.
I come around the corner to find him in the first open area where the guys were, but they're gone, or maybe went to join the party. Their stuff is still around, they haven't left the apartment. He's standing sideways, back to the far windows, and this is creepy dream logic - his head is totally snapped back as if he doesn't have spine/bone above the collar, it's almost demonic/possessive the way it looks, like the Exorcist. I have to circle him to find that his head is all the way back. He's masturbating, head flung back like that, apparently he has a condom on but it splits with the force of his movements and then he comes, all over his right hand and the condom. I watch all of this, having come too late to stop him, to persuade him into my arms and proper sex, and having intended to actually make love to him rather than have him finish himself off like this. I had reached him toward the end, my hand to his shoulder, and he raises his head to me, finished.
This is about when I woke up with my alarm.
ANALYSIS
There was a strange disconnect between him and I ... it was clear he wanted me physically, then again, he left me behind to go masturbate as if he didn't believe we'd ever have sex or couldn't wait for it, or whatever. I dunno. Very weird dream.
We had very tender moments that felt amazingly right. It was almost blase, the way he behaved with me. Either that meant we were so comfortable, so right with each other, or, he really didn't think of me as anything more than a sexual partner. My heart wants to believe the former, my mind the latter.
In weird ways it was like he was punishing himself. Restraining himself from what he wanted, and the final proof was in his choosing to masturbate rather than make love to me, as if he did it to prevent himself from doing so, that, or couldn't wait for me. He kept walking away from me, then finding me again, coming back to me. He was torn between what he should go do and what he wanted to do. But I couldn't REALLY tell what he wanted to do, and neither could he tell me.
I remember him coming to me on the top of the hill of the park, behind me, sliding his arms around me like they belonged, like I belonged to him. Like he had sought me out and come home to me. I felt relief, after thinking, what if he doesn't come, what if he hangs out with his friends and goes away, back to his girl. But secretly I knew he wouldn't. That's why I walked away from the diner, feeling that he would come find me, knowing that I could risk it and he would find me on his own.
But then he left me in the grocery ... but he didn't disappear completely, he let me follow him, find him upstairs (rather than running off and ditching me, which he could have done easily). He stayed in view. He walked ahead of me, but then, told me things that implied he didn't want to be with me, upstairs. So I wandered away, feeling cold and rejected, leaving him with his friends, but he found me again, just when I'd given up hope and thought, this may never happen, the night is passing quickly. And into his arms where I belonged again ... only to find all those people staring at us, preventing us from being together. They didn't intend to stop us, we just ran from the scrutiny to someplace private. We felt spied upon, invaded.
But then to find he'd stopped himself from being with me, just when we were so close ...
If this tells our story, it tells:
parting, meeting again (park)
parting, meeting again (finding him go to apartment)
parting, meeting again (room with sex)
parting, meeting again (masturbation scene - no sex)
I don't know what happens after the gaze. I never got to finish the dream. I don't know if he looked at me with emptiness, if he was done with me, if he left me after that. I don't know if he just had to do it, but then wanted sex too. I don't know if he intended to leave with me and go with me somewhere like my house, his house, for love. I don't know if he walked out. I don't know if he looked kindly at me after raising his head. Or if he was done.
I think this is a mix of my fears - that he rejected me, even though my heart believes he wanted to be with me. That maybe he really doesn't want me, even though my heart believes he longs for me. That I'm not worth loving, that he loves his gf and feels only sexual interest in me, nothing more.
We have parted in real life once. The first scene shows me leaving him. Technically that hasn't happened. So is this the future? Will we keep meeting and parting, again and again? Will I leave him, then he finds me, then he leaves me, then I find him?
Will we finally ever be united properly, without families, friends, spying eyes and other people's demands - will we both be able to surrender to what we both want and truly say it. Can i say to him, I love you, and I'm sorry that I feel in love with you, because I know we were supposed to be a fling. Can he say to me, I love you, and I don't know what to do, I cannot leave my girlfriend, but I can't not be with you.
Something stupid in me tells me that he and I will meet again. I figure, I'm not going back to Jamba Juice until next summer when it's hot - won't he have moved to another job by then? Won't he have moved? He'll have gotten married on Oct. 28 as he said ... I suspect that's his gf's bday, though he didn't say that. That's a totally random day to get married.
But something tells me that we are not done. The problem is I can't tell what isn't done. How it will end. If we will have more trysts but he'll still get married and that's really it, no love relationship for us.
But I forever have a sense that he's coming back to me. The force of him has never left me - he gets what he wants, when he focuses on it. And, however his cirumstances may have complicated our relationship, he wants me.
I didn' t mention this in the main journal but I went back to the plaza 11/16. I parked far from the Jamba Juice and walked through the parking lot. I had to conquer this. No, I won't ever go back to Jamba Juice, but I have the right to go to the plaza I've always gone to as long as I've lived in Santa Clara.
I didn't even know if he'd be working there. I hoped not. But I saw a familiar shape out of the corner of my eye ahead. I felt his gaze lock on me as I crossed the parking lot but I refused to look in his direction. I refused to see his expression, what it might be. It felt like surprise and intensity - as if he wanted to eat me up and find out what i was doing, why i was there, CONNECT. But i refused to look, frightened to find out that he looked embarrassed, angry, cold, or like he thought i was scary and stalking him. Or even sorry for me.
So I stared straight at the Starbucks, my heart pounding. When I entered the starbucks and tried to get money out of my pocket, my hands were shaking. I had to calm down. I couldn't think straight. He has the power to do that to me still. Maybe - it should - wear off with time. But I walked proud, tall, and sexy as hell. I'd lost weight since he'd seen me, though not much - 10 lbs. There was a guy checking me out as I walked across the parking lot to starbucks. I knew, believing in Jack's desire for me, that I looked good to Jack, and I thought I felt that in the power of his gaze.
But I was scared to look back. I walked back to the car when I was done and didn't look back once. I got in the car and, when ready to drive, looked up through the windshield. Couldn't see him, there was no one in the shop other than him that i'd seen earlier, and now there seemed to be customers, and a bit of a line, so he was probably filling their orders. I drove off, not looking back, not checking to see if he saw me or tried to see me.
In that way, I left him, I guess. It's only been 2 weeks. I keep waiting - it's like I feel it must happen, yet know that it can't possibly. That he's going to call me, unable to help himself, needing to hear my voice and connect with me, missing me. And I don't know how I'll be but I'll know that I can't fight him. I should. I should never have gotten to know him that first night, should have just said, sionara. But he is magnetic. He was magnetic even knowing he had a girlfriend. He was scary and sharp and amazing and brilliant and intense and fresh and funny and young and vibrant and powerful. Everything I'd ever wanted. Or so he seemed. And I was like a deer in headlights.
What if that was his plan all along, i wonder? But he kept asking me why I asked him out, fascinated, telling me no one ever did that, no one ever hit on him. Maybe it was just an ego/sex thing. Maybe not.
Like I said, my heart wants to think it was more. My heart wants to believe that in reality, he's too young to get married and either they'll not go ahead with it or end their marriage after a few years. I worry they'll have kids though. When he spoke about her he seemed annoyed and then again, he said he loved her. Virgos, when they say they love someone, really mean it. When they say they'll marry someone, they really mean it. But then again, he's young. There are exceptions. Either he's amazing and really loves her and she's the one and they'll be married forever - and I do think he's that amazing and it's possible. Or he's just young and idealistic and means well but has no real sense of who he is, what he's going to do in life, and they will grow apart, their good intentions not lasting them the reality of married life together, as they find themselves. She's 21, he's 20. What can they really know of building a life and family together when they haven't finished building themselves?
But I want them to work it out and figure it out on their own. I want them to come to the natural conclusion. Forever, or not? I dunno. But I do wish that not is the answer. That she realizes they're too young, that he realizes he doesn't truly know himself or what he wants and that he has to go find that before he can truly settle down and be a good husband, the other half of someone. That he needs time. They may or may not have married by then who knows - they may have to divorce, or call it off before it gets started. But I wonder, in my heart ... will they end? Will by some twist of fate I turn some corner and suddenly find him there, single, and ready for me? Hah, watch me be with someone. Or not? If I were with someone, would I leave them for him? It's unlike I'd be with someone anyway, I'm going to be a spinster.
REgardless, I imagine I would leave them. But that remains to be seen. WOuld they have done to me what he did? Or maybe we'd stay friends and then somewhere years down the line when we're both single ... we try.
All I know is, it feels unfinished. Incomplete. But then I wonder - that could just be wishful thinking. The little blurb horoscopes intimate - as do Theresa and Charlotte - that this was just a fling, a brief intersection in life that is not meant to continue, that briefly lit up both our lives and I should accept it for what it is, learn, and move on. That I definitely brought joy to his life but only as a lesson, not as anything that could continue. That he did the same for me.
So I am trying to get over it. I am happy I touched his life and hope I inspired him and touched him in ways that he'll never ever forget. That he'll always remember me passionately and long for me faintly in the back of his mind - the amazing girl he should have met sooner, but at least had a wonderful, perfect moment in time with. I figure he probably can't love me, that I'm probably not really in love with him, and I'll snap out of it. But then I wish, deep down, that he loves me and longs for me and misses me just as much as I really believe that I have since he's been gone.
horror and romance.
i had a horrible dream last night. it turned into other positive mini dreams.
1. i've been having cysts on my body lately (won't get into details) but in the dream, three more took over my legs, one took up a sizable chunk of my left leg. in the dream i was freaking out because, as in real life, they sort of claim your body as negative, bad space. they were even bleeding before my eyes. my skin was doing weird things. not like clive barker style, but horrifying enough.
2. then, scene switch. something like i'm at home and I get a call (like the other day) from nic bennett (cute boy at work who's a bit of a player, blonde, blue eyed, not my usual style at all), out of the blue while i'm chillin at home. he did this the other day to check my place out and drop off a cd he burnt for me. coulda given it to me at work but, according to him, "i was in your hood anyway, ain't no thang."
so in the dream, it sorta glosses over time, but the gist is he calls and he and i go out to a movie, sort of randomly, not necessarily as a date. just kinda like, we were bored, tickets fell into his or my hands, something like that. so we go, and we're the only two people who end up going. and we end up having fun, enjoying the company. so this was on a monday night.
on wed night, he calls me up again - and the dream slows own to drag out the phone convo. he breaks up a bit (on his cell phone) and also we keep tripping over what we think the other person is saying and our response. little misunderstandings (in a good way). so the gist here is i sense that he wants to go out as a real date cuz we enjoyed each other's company and I am very relaxed and not at all shocked or weirded out by that but also trying to be a good person so i'm like, yeah i can pay for my ticket. the thing is in this case, several people are going to a movie and he has a ticket but he wants to give me his ticket and buy his own. but i don't understand that (he didn't actually say it) so I'm like, oh, i'll buy in, can you get a ticket for me and i'll pay you back and he's like, no, it's on me, i'm giving you mine and getting another for myself. and i'm like oh ... ok. and do you want me to meet you there? and he's like, no, i'll come get you. etc. so this is where the little bits of pausing and confusion come but in the end all is well and the date is set up for that night.
i woke up feeling very contented from that one, like it was perfectly natural. i do think the boy is cute. i figure i'm too fat for any boy right now and certainly for him, since he's a bit of a player and of course, likes to flirt with the ladies. who tend to be slender and trendy. and he's an athletic type. surfing and basketball and all that jazz. he's not even terribly handsome. but he is very charming. and he knows it. hence the playerdom.
ANALYSIS
Telephone
To dream of using a telephone suggests that you are holding an intimate confidant one step short of absolute trust. If you're using a cell phone, this is a problem that travels with you. A pager is a reminder of unfinished personal business. If your dream features an out-of-order phone, you've missed a perfect opportunity to speak your mind.
Movies
The omen here depends on whether or not you enjoyed what you saw; if you did, the augury is one of pleasant social times ahead; but if you were depressed, displeased, or disgusted, you are being warned against being deluded by a dishonest avowal of love or cheated by an insincere declaration of friendship.
Dream, 9/2 – 9/3
Part 1: Mom
I walk into a home that is supposed to be my mother’s. She is apparently living, again, with her ex (my previous step-dad). My little brother and Keith go off to play video games, my little sister is somewhere around. I have the distinct impression my mom has had another child, and I see behind her, in a high chair, is a fat, pink little thing that looks more white (not related to my mother?). It has very pink lips and reddish blonde hair and reminds me in a disturbing, blank eyed way of the baby in Trainspotting. But it makes noise and talks, sweetly. It’s probably about a year old. My mom is looking very satisfied with herself, as she does when she’s done something bad or thwarted somebody.
My mom leaves the child to talk or do something, like house cleaning, washing dishes. The baby seems to have been moved, from out of the living room/kitchen area, in its high chair to it’s own back bedroom. The house is vaguely reminiscent of the house my friend Charlotte is really staying in, summer of 2003 – weird hollowish brown walls, outdated furniture and decorations (70s). The door is open, I move slightly down the hall to check on the baby and see that my mom left the chair very close to the door so that if someone opened the door they could hit the baby/chair. In fact the child sits there and the door seems to swing back and forth rhythmically – either someone next to me (this is foggy) is doing the pushing, not realizing what they are risking, or the baby’s own foot is now kicking the door, making it bounce back and forth.
In the course of this short time period the baby has aged a little. I pick up the baby so that she is not hurt and take her out to the backyard/patio area. My mother comes outside and wants the baby from me; by the time I set her down she is a toddler, no longer an infant, more like 2 or 3 years old. She toddles off to my mother, dressed now in pretty little girl clothes, where before I held her in diapers and bib.
In a weird way, if you think about it, this child could be my sister, since I have yet to see my sister in the dream, but then again I had the distinct impression this is a third, new child of my mother’s.
Part 2: The Matrix
After turning away from my mother I discover there are intruders in the house and I need to survive and defend. I am distinctly aware I am the only survivor, but not in the sense that they killed all my family, just that they killed everyone in the house. So I’m not feeling angst or loss or even really sure this part of the dream includes my family any more, it’s just some house. The men entering are like spies and secret service men, in guns and sunglasses, and I dodge their bullets, find guns of my own (theirs, used against them), and do my best to fire back, until I can make my escape.
Part 3: Beast Lover
I am walking in some weird part of town that is a mix of Mountain View and Vallejo. As if I were facing the railroad tracks from a block down Mini Drive, where there are fenced in fields in real life. It’s almost like I’m walking out of a setting for Town & Country, the plaza over by Stanford, towards my real life house in Vallejo. I am with some cultured people that I don’t know very well – like a female professor or something, and some of her friends or acquaintances, literally people that I have just met, coming away or from event. I don’t know what event.
Someone to the left is walking with a very huge bear and when I see it – it is GIGANTIC – I try to steer clear of it but it’s as if it has smelled me. It puts its huge nose to my hand and begins sniffing, hard, refusing to let me alone. I try to cross the street with my group and get away but it follows me. People are concerned, trying to protect me from it, we cross the street, they surround me, trying to protect me, but it breaks through, tearing at my clothes, and then it rears up as if to bite me.
In this scene, it’s almost as if I have moved out of my body and it is about to bite someone else. As it lands and takes flesh, and begins to pull its teeth away I realize it is not drawing blood at all. The flesh pulls and there is pain but the attack is not intended to really hurt me. The pain is vaguely good. As the bear pulls away I look at it to find that it is no longer a bear but a gigantic, thick man, almost like the Hulk, but not green, and dressed in completely normal clothes – collared button up shirt (blue), and slacks (grey). I am lying on my back on something like a big bin, just wherever he happened to fall upon me, and he is below me, a little, kneeling as he basically gets me completely naked (just about).
He is very scary and I am scared shitless, but no one dares to interfere now. At his mercy, I try to grab at his arms and get away but he very easily pins me down. He then goes for my breasts, my belly, my sex, mouth and hands all over me, his own clothes becoming rumpled but staying on, though his tie is pulled away and his shirt buttons at the top are coming undone. He makes a lot of grunting, greedy noises, and I can tell he can speak if he wanted but he is just not interested in communicating.
I scream and beg and babble at him, but he is not listening. I am crying and beside myself. He takes me by the ankles, spreads me wide and his fingers, huge, begin playing with my sex, enter me, and of course, I’m soaking wet. He is pleasuring me, taking me against my will but good at it, and he digs deep within me, so I am arched up literally in midair screaming now from fear and pleasure, and then he pulls out a long string of juice from me, lifting it into the air. He begins to bellow, “What is this?!”
I am even more horrified and I begin squirming, screaming, frightened and aroused by him as he yells, and he continues to dig into me with his single finger, my sex splayed to him and the next thing I know I literally spurt, twice, hard and far and messily, clear juices that end up all over him, all over me, as he continues to snarl very loudly, “What IS this, what IS THIS, WHAT IS THIS?” He seems manic, outraged, mad with lust.
I am totally wet and thoroughly pleasured now and I collapse when it is done. I am shaking, cannot believe what has happened. I look to him and realize he is not just some beast man. “You’re handsome?!” I cry out, disbelieving, and he is, even though he is unnaturally sized. I turn to him, still terribly horny and actually considering climbing right onto him for more.
This is a part where I actually see it – but I do not know if it is a mental thought within the dream – I saw myself doing it, but did it actually happen? Not sure. Regardless, I basically took my wet, wanton self up and climbed onto him, to find his sex huge and waiting, and began to make love to him.
Part 4: A Kept Woman
Apparently I belong to someone, and already have a husband or some “understood owner.” From the arms of the man beast I seem to wake up in my bed in our mansion soaked still with juices, the puddles on the bed. It would have been a dissolve in a movie – I looked down between me and the man beast at the liquid puddles between us, and the ground and platform I was on become maroon bedsheets soaked with the same puddles. I look up, and I’m in my bedroom.
I am sure that my husband will not believe me when I say that I have literally come like a man, and I get up to go to the bathroom, afraid I’ll get into trouble. I am pretty sure he will be annoyed or angry with me. We are staying in a house that has recently become ours, and we haven’t been in it for very long. My husband does not share the same room as me, but could if he chose to (making me, rather than at my invitation). I do not like my husband very much.
I go to the bathroom to clean myself up and on the way there hear my husband calling for me. “Just a minute,” I say, closing the bathroom door, but he angry with me and wants to see me, wonders what I am hiding and wants me to come out immediately. I push against the bathroom door, attempting to lock it while he tries to enter, more and more forcefully.
The house is very old, very strange. It has mechanisms and tools that make no sense, it’s as though we’re in a house that is a walking circus, very macabre and dark. I moved through the darkness to the bathroom, and was very spooked out by the halls.
As I struggle to hold the door closed I visualize my husband on the other side – a dark haired man, a little too tan, kind of greasy and leisure suit larry type (pomade in his hair), not much taller than me, and a bit slight. Not likeable. Slimy and dangerous, wearing a silky house robe that didn’t make him look any more classy. I then visualize the beast-man and wish he were on the other side of the door so that I could open it and make love to him.
Part 5: Macabre Mansion
I too am in a robe and feeling very vulnerable. I look to the right, where the light switch would be. There are strange switches that do weird things; it’s like a revolving lever in the wall. I push it, so an option rolls by – the door remains closed but a rectangle of it disappears – where the lock mechanism would be, a whole chunk large enough for my husband to stick his hand through if he wanted. I am struggling still to hold the door closed, so I press another button; the rectangle fills back in again. I hear a noise, and make out on the weird switch that it’s a butler service. Frightened, knowing we have no butlers, I try to turn it again but it is too late, the door is opening. My husband seems gone. This scene, also, is reminiscent of the scene in The Shining, where Jack Nicholson busts through the door with his face, after his wife.
Outside in the darkness, with very little light from a lamp off in the distance, I see a strange doll-like creature, sort of like an old, wiry gentleman, with a bulbous nose, but made out of mannequin material, with painted cheeks, teeth, eyes, and dressed in real clothing. He is life-sized. He comes from below (this house has huge, has several levels, and you can look down from the landing to see several flights of stairs in the center of the house), up some special entrance. On his silver server has plates of toast and a cup of tea. He speaks, but not as if he is really speaking to me, but as if he were at Disneyland, one of the singing dolls with voiceboxes. “Madame, I have fetched you tea and toast.” It is tinny and frightening, and I wonder how the house knows that a woman made the request, and what, exactly, to serve.
“No no no,” I say, and I shut the door, frightened of what’s on the other side. I hear silence, a crashing. I open the door. He is gone. The server and food are at the foot of the door but kind of in disarray, like maybe he dropped it or it was knocked from him. In retrospect, perhaps it was my husband who attacked him. In any case, I am suddenly brave enough to try and communicate with the strange alien butler, but I come out and don’t see him anywhere. I move forward, peer down the landing. Down at the center, as if horrible things have moved through the house (dilapidation, attack, earthquake, who knows), the stairs are a shambles and it’s like a hole to hell, dark and forbidding. At the bottom, I see the butler, broken and mangled, as if he had fallen.
Horrified, I look around and back away. I am almost to the bathroom door when I hear weird carnival music. Something is stirring down in the depths. My heart is beating fast – slowly, I begin to see a horrible sight. The butler has returned, in a more terrible form – his upper body seems 10- times larger, like some huge whale of a butler, and he is speaking again, “Terribly sorry, I fell, but I will be alright now …”
He is facing toward my right, as if going after something down the hall (the direction my husband was coming from) and he goes off, as if to do some damage …
Part 6: Casino Haunting
Dawn comes, and I have visitors walking around the house with me, downstairs, etc., to see my new home. It’s about 11 in the morning. It’s as though this used to be an old casino or something, not a home. There are rows and rows of slot machines in the dusty light, and it is dark and dreary and dead.
All of a sudden, people start appearing from hallways and doorways, as if they are going to work. They are dressed in servers uniforms, cocktail waitresses, etc. They behave as if they do not see us. I am shocked – this is my home, they shouldn’t be there, but it’s as if they belong.
“I thought this place was deserted!” I say. “What are they doing?”
“Why, going to work, of course it’s not deserted,” said one of my guests, and I watched on, confused as my house continued to run with a mind of its own.
Two men, strange eyes, lost numbers
Analyzed for Miriam
Dreamt 7/22/03 (July, a Wed)
It opened in our old house, as though it were Lando's. Rear dining room/kitchen. No furniture, just a big white bed being used as a kind of table or lounger.
A party. Two men, one who is vague but normal, and "pleasing enough" (mediocre). One who is exotic, perfect in size, height. Tawny gold skin, hair to match, curled, full, like the mechanic's hair, a solid, lighter color. Perfect voice, face lips. BUT - unnatural, glowing, purple (or green?) cat eyes. LARGE eyes. Staring and kind of scary. So I choose the other, and dance with the other, close and tight, in circular patterns, while the other watches, very close, next to us on the dance floor. Party ends.
Going to exchange numbers with the mediocre one - I notice that the two are exchanging contact info with each other. Then I'm to give my contact info to the mediocre one. In the middle of writing, I am called away and I drop my (incomplete?) information on the bed.
Finished, I turn back, to find the room empty as though everyone has wandered home. The two have not said good bye, but I have the sense that the exotic one took my number for later use. I do not know which will contact me, or whether either will contact me - for they left with no goodbye. I feel abandoned, but curious, expectant of something new. However, I feel I may have lost an important chance.
I search the bed, for signs of paper, and find scraps. I find a small paper pad, but there are no numbers, but faint markings, as if someone wrote. Rather than "graze" with a pen or paper, I literally try to determine the numbers from the indentations, turning it to and fro in the light. I think I grasp the number. For some reason I stop trying (in the dream I determine the number, but I don't remember it or write it down, and so I forget it when I wake up).
I return to exploring the edges of the bed. I've been lying on a plush down comforter - the whole of the bed is white, except for the wooden frame. It's like my current bedframe at home. On the lefthand corner (facing outward from the foot of the bed, since I'm kneeling with my butt to the headboard), I lift the edge of the blanket. I find a hammer. My search provides no more info; I wake up.
CONCLUSIONS: Do I fear the exotic, the different, the challenge? Do I default to the mediocre for safety and comfort? My experience with Michael taught me not to do that. And yet, the exotic one is the one I feel walked away with my number; it was as if he watched me the whole night knowing that I might be in denial but that the true course would run itself - him?
DREAM INTERPRETATION (courtesy of lots of manual labor at swoon.com)
Everything here is a good omen. Dancing, white, pairs, strange eyes, the color purple, reading …
Party Another example of a sort of good news--bad news symbol of mixed fortunes and contrary omens. Pertaining to social matters, it is considered more fortunate to dream of going to a party than to dream of giving one, and the less pretentious the function the better the augury. In either event, the dream takes its meaning from the general atmosphere of the function and the degree of pleasure (or displeasure) experienced by the dreamer.
Dance This dream is mainly favorable. If it featured ballet dancers or dancing it predicts new friends and merry social times ahead; if you saw young people dancing together, you'll have great success in your love affairs; children dancing, you'll have some unexpected joy; and if you were dancing yourself, all your enterprises will flourish.
Pair Pairs of things featured in a dream predict an unusual event on your horizon.
Man A dream featuring mankind as a whole is a warning of nervous depression due to overwork; either slow down or take a vacation. To dream of a strange man augurs well for family affairs, but the meaning is modified to some extent by the details of his appearance (if you were aware of them) and his actions (if any), so these factors should be considered.
Colors You can expect increasing security and success in all your affairs if you dreamed of a mixture of bright colors. Individually, or if one color stood out in your dream, the significance is as follows: Blue indicates liberation from worry and/or help from outside sources; Black is an unfavorable omen unless it featured in a funeral or other appropriate situation, in which case it forecasts difficulties to be overcome; Brown means money luck; bright Red is a warning to curb your temper; deep Red forecasts unexpected good news; Green pertains to travel or news from a distance; Gray indicates a period of marking time; Lavender or Mauve foretells minor disappointment or transitory unhappiness; Orange suggests that an expected change in your situation will be delayed; Pink predicts unusually great success; Purple is a forerunner to happy social affairs; Yellow forecasts setbacks and struggles before improvement can be achieved; White is a certain promise of success in all that concerns you. Dreams involving people of a color other than your own are generally lucky omens pertaining to money and/or business, unless the people were some exotic shade like green or blue, in which case the dream probably had a digestive origin and no significance
Curls Exciting changes for the better, if they were being cut; otherwise, for a woman, they signify a new romantic interest, but for a man, they indicate possible damage to his reputation through unwise choice of companions, and he would do well to reassess his personal relationships.
Eyes Strange or disembodied eyes in a dream are considered a prediction of a very beneficial change of events soon to come. To injure your eyes, get something in them, or be otherwise worried about them is a warning that someone is trying to trick you in a business affair. If the main feature of your dream was the beauty of the eyes, the dream is telling you that you can count on the sincere love of those who matter to you. Crossed eyes are a lucky omen for money matters, but a squint, cast, or other defect is a warning against an illicit love affair. Animal eyes are a sign of hidden rivalry or jealousy in your close circle. Exceptionally large and/or wide-open eyes in a dream signify an inheritance. Blue or light eyes mean a new friendship; dark eyes, a new love affair.
Pencil Good health, good luck, and the time to enjoy them is the message in a dream featuring pencils, and this applies even if your dream involved having to sell them.
Writing If you dreamed of reading handwriting, it is a warning of deception within the circle of those you trust; if you were doing the writing, the dream is telling you that you are creating problems for yourself through impulsive behavior; think before you act. If your dream featured others writing, it suggests that you can be your own best friend by not letting others influence your judgment; don't be tempted to act contrary to your principles.
Abandon The interpretation of this dream depends on its aspect. If, in your dream, you abandoned something of a distasteful nature, you will soon hear favorable financial news. However, if in your dream you abandoned someone close to you, it signifies trouble, but don't worry, you can overcome it by heeding the warning. If you dreamed you were a witness to an abandonment of any kind, it indicates you will hear some news which will be important to you. To dream you have been abandoned is a dream of contrary and means you will have a reconciliation or a quick recovery from trouble.
Paper Clean or new paper in a dream is a symbol of efforts, and its meaning must be interpreted according to its color. Waste-paper paper predicts a fine new opportunity which you should not waste time about accepting.
Pen As one would expect, pens in a dream signify news from a distance; if you broke or damaged the point or the pen went dry, you are being warned that you are endangering your reputation by associating with people of questionable character.
Numbers Only a general guide can be given here, as the meaning of numbers in a dream varies according to the context and other details which should be correlated, but if you had the rare experience of being aware of the number of people (or things) in your dream, it signifies and increase in personal power and/or prestige. To dream of numbers which you cannot recall on awakening predicts a period of confusion and surprises regarding the affairs of others; to remember the numbers in your dream forecasts good luck ahead possibly connected with the dreamed number or some derivative or multiple of it.
Copy You are in for a period of changes for the better, and any issues hanging in the balance, especially with a legal aspect, can be swung in your favor by careful handling if your dream involved copies or copying.
Blanket A sort of dream of contrary, the significance of which depends on your circumstances. If you are well off and dreamed of buying or receiving new blankets, you should guard your investments; if you are not well off, you may expect an improvement in your financial position. Soiled or ragged blankets warn against trickery by someone you trust.
White A good dream omen.
Bedclothes In some respects this is a dream of contrary which pertains primarily to your finances. If you are well off and you dreamed of having lots of bedclothes, it is a warning against serious reverses through lack of proper supervision of your investments. But if your income is on the modest to poor side, you can expect a comfortable improvement shortly. To dream of putting a bolster on a bed signifies an embarrassing marital situation, coming up; to put fresh slips on pillows predicts an approaching opportunity which should be grasped. However, if your dream specifically concerned the condition of the bedclothes, then its significance must be interpreted according to whether the bed was clean and neatly made, pleasant or unpleasant in appearance, white or colored linen, etc., and such details should be looked up under their separate headings.
Bed A strange bed forecasts an upturn in business affairs; your own bed promises security; making a bed suggests that you should expect some unexpected visitors.
Hammer To hear or see a hammer being used is a fortunate dream; if you used it yourself, it predicts a satisfying achievement.
Read Reading in a dream is a generally favorable omen signifying progress. If you were reading aloud, it predicts help from outside sources; to hear someone else read foretells future comfort and peace of mind.
Confusion If the main feature of your dream was an overall or general atmosphere of confusion, you are being warned to continue along your present lines, as any changes you are contemplating could prove awkward at this time; but if your dreamed confusion was purely personal, it predicts recovery of a long-lost hope.
Stare You are likely to suffer a social embarrassment if you dreamed of being stared at; if you did the staring, you must correlate the action to the cause.
Separation A dream of contrary. You can expect to reach a better understanding with the object of your affection.
